Thursday, January 08, 2009

Contend, O LORD, with those who contend with me;
fight against those who fight against me.

Take up shield and buckler;
arise and come to my aid.

Brandish spear and javelin
against those who pursue me.
Say to my soul,
"I am your salvation."

May those who seek my life
be disgraced and put to shame;
may those who plot my ruin
be turned back in dismay.

May they be like chaff before the wind,
with the angel of the LORD driving them away;

may their path be dark and slippery,
with the angel of the LORD pursuing them.

Since they hid their net for me without cause
and without cause dug a pit for me,

May ruin overtake them by surprise—
may the net they hid entangle them,
may they fall into the pit, to their ruin.

Then my soul will rejoice in the LORD
and delight in his salvation.

My whole being will exclaim,
"Who is like you, O LORD ?
You rescue the poor from those too strong for them,
the poor and needy from those who rob them."

Ruthless witnesses come forward;
they question me on things I know nothing about.

They repay me evil for good
and leave my soul forlorn.

Yet when they were ill, I put on sackcloth
and humbled myself with fasting.
When my prayers returned to me unanswered,

I went about mourning
as though for my friend or brother.
I bowed my head in grief
as though weeping for my mother.

But when I stumbled, they gathered in glee;
attackers gathered against me when I was unaware.
They slandered me without ceasing.

Like the ungodly they maliciously mocked ;
they gnashed their teeth at me.

O Lord, how long will you look on?
Rescue my life from their ravages,
my precious life from these lions.

I will give you thanks in the great assembly;
among throngs of people I will praise you.

Let not those gloat over me
who are my enemies without cause;
let not those who hate me without reason
maliciously wink the eye.

They do not speak peaceably,
but devise false accusations
against those who live quietly in the land.

They gape at me and say, "Aha! Aha!
With our own eyes we have seen it."

O LORD, you have seen this; be not silent.
Do not be far from me, O Lord.

Awake, and rise to my defense!
Contend for me, my God and Lord.

Vindicate me in your righteousness, O LORD my God;
do not let them gloat over me.

Do not let them think, "Aha, just what we wanted!"
or say, "We have swallowed him up."

May all who gloat over my distress
be put to shame and confusion;
may all who exalt themselves over me
be clothed with shame and disgrace.

May those who delight in my vindication
shout for joy and gladness;
may they always say, "The LORD be exalted,
who delights in the well-being of his servant."

My tongue will speak of your righteousness
and of your praises all day long.


- Psalms 35
A song written by King David when he was distraught

Thursday, January 01, 2009

2008 - The Year of Disaster.

2008 was quite a bad year.
sigh.
=/

I haven't consolidated my resolutions for 2009, but I guess one of my posts next week would be on it.

For now, on the 1st day of 2009, I'm going to try to review this entire year - in 4 quarters.

1st Quarter - January to March 2008.
  • Just fresh out of BMT, got my posting to go SAF Ammunition Command to learn explosives and ammunition - was ecstatic
  • Met some really good friends there, and some strange characters. But was an enlightening experience
  • There were people who gave nice memories like Staff Sin, Darryl(s) and Xavier
  • MMI gave me a strange report on Glycosuria. Apparently they needed to do a thorough analysis of my case. - my pes status was put on hold for another 3 months
  • 1 year. I think I can count with 1 hand how many of my relationships actually more then a year. I hope everything turns out right...
  • Decided to try my luck in NTU and NUS. - Chose the absolutely wrong courses. Economics. Forgot that I wasn't just competing with Polytechnics. Had China mathematics gods to contend with.

2nd Quarter - April to June 2008
  • Ice cold. Relationship seemed to break down dramatically during that period. Arguments started to drag into unreasonable anger and it lasted for a long time. Almost gave up.
  • Got a job writing street reviews for POIT, a PLU magazine. Got a bit to spend. But nothing ever seemed like enough.
  • Decided to permernantly revive my hardcore gym routine. First day - almost destroyed my back.
  • Final examinations for SAFAC. Decided to go easy on myself. Explosives seemed like an interesting subject at first, but as we studied the intricacies, I realized it wasn't so fun after all. ~ Passed. With flying colors.
  • Was given the papers to got to this hellhole called "Mandai West Camp". Vomited blood. Wanted to go Nee Soon. Almost killed myself.
  • Finally got my Ammunition Tech skill badge. Was ecstatic. I am one of the sparse minority of army personnel who has a skill badge and yet has a rank of a private.
  • Was dumped into the Ammo Dump. Fascinating place. Opened my eyes to stuff I never thought possible. But still concrete = Depression.
  • MMI report flew back 1 day before I could permanently seal my SGT rank in. I was downgraded to Pes C.
  • Unable to stay in, Non-Combat fit and exemption from Outfield made me get kick out of SAFAC forever. After all, who needs an ammunition spec who can't handle explosives?
  • I was relocated to paradise, aka Stagmont Camp...
3rd Quarter - July to October 2008
  • The closest thing to SAF paradise would probably be this. - Stagmont Camp.
  • Life was good. I had just one room to myself, as long as I made sure that it was in order, everything would be good. - so I thought.
  • I could stay out, had lunch whenever I wanted and being a server administrator, could watch the entire building with an everlasting eye.
  • I had books to read too! An air-condition! After all, the place that I was in charge in was the E-Plaza, a place where trainees relax. I was the undisputed emperer of the E-Plaza.
  • Slowly but surely, the seniors in my department started to ORD. No new people were filling in the gaps. Stress started to build. More responsibilities slowly piled upon the current team.
  • Went to Malaysia with my dear. Almost got a heart attack when he fell into a drain. It was... super beautiful.
4th Quarter - October to December 2008
  • Life became indistinguishable between work and living itself. Stress had became synonymous with life.
  • AVA Department was being torn from the inside out. Superiors started going crazy as the leaderships among the department started changing hands.
  • From 12 people in our Department, we were reduced to 8, then to 6, and now 5. We has multiple rooms to control and millions of things to do. - Due to the old generation, we could not rub the word "slack" from our department. It seemed like the default comment people made.
  • Games in my department seemed like a distant, pleasant memory.
  • As the previous IC became increasingly distant, I was arrowed to fill in the administrative gaps. - I became the IC in the end.
  • I made some real, dangerous enemies, and not much friends. It was the curse of being a leader.
  • Church activities were in its super peak period, and hundreds of things had to be done. Magazines, Carolling and plenty of band practices.
  • I finally reach the highest scale of stress I ever recorded in my life.
I thought that the media was bad. That the politics that they play within the mass communication industry was bad.
But this is far, far worst.

Your boss would backstab you and your entire department without a second thought, just because they don't like you.
At least, outside, your treated like human beings.

Here, you're treated worst then dogs - at least dogs have food to eat and a loving master.

Here, you're thrown to the sharks, with no lifeline, no weapon, and covered with blood. You have no voice to scream because your voice box was ripped out - nobody will listen.

You have no escape, because you can't - simply put, you're in a tank with no ladder and no escape route.

Even if you never did anything wrong, your boss would just lie to his superior and the people around him so that the punishment he envisioned would go through.
We are unable to reason with any of the bosses, because they believe - through his lies, that my department has no credibility.

We are so far away from the HQ that nobody here's our cry.
We don't have anybody above a corporal rank that can voice out any injustice.

The only thing that they hear are complains from the instructors here because the instructors don't get what they want.
But does the HQ give us the power to solve the problems? No.

We tell the instructors the orders that the HQ gives us. The instructors are not happy with that orders. They send a complain letter to the bosses that we are the one that are not cooperating.

Is that our fault? Truly?

It is not in the slightest way our fault.

But do we have a voice? no.

We are being punished, scolded, criticized, mocked and mistreated without the hope of ever being able to state our case.









... .............






2008 is a year of severe ups and severe downs...
I hate 2008..


.........

sigh.

with things as bad as they are in 2008, how much worse can it be in 2009..
..but i've got a gut feeling that some people are going to prove me wrong...






*stares blankly*

Monday, December 29, 2008

The Worst Month of the Year

who wants my job?
leh long leh long.

its very ok wan..

You only need to do the work of 8 people, let your superiors claim credit for it, cover the shit that is coming from on top and maintain your sanity. While receiving half the pay of a road sweeper.

On top of that, you have to play the forever losing game of office politics.

(authors note: I tried to write the scenario of what happened. But it turned out to be so complicated, if I finished writing it, I think I can become Minfong Ho.)

I'm so pissed I almost fainted from anger just now...

My head was literally swimming..

Guess wad? I got scolded for NOTHING. NOTHING at all!
I got scolded by a person under me, for nothing! Just because he was angry.

Like wtf?

No. I do not have the power of a sergeant or a godlike officer to fucking kick his ass or give him extra. So what to do?
suck thumb lah!

Cos even if I explain the situation to him, he wouldn't understand it. And even if he did, he wouldn't believe it.

ARRRGHH!! I don't even want to think about it. It makes me pissed just thinking about it.

Polar bear Polar bear Polar bear
Cute baby seals Cute baby seals Cute baby seals
Little hamsters Little hamsters Little hamsters.

FUCK!!!
I can't even concentrate on doing my work just thinking about it.

Am I supposed to go up to him and lovingly tell him. "Look there is a misunderstanding?"
Nah beh. He's most likely going to curse my mum and dad and every single one of my ancestors if possible before I could finish the sentence!

and don't start with the, "how do you know if you havn't even tried" thing.

would you go into the den of starving lions and say, "Hi! I would like to explain to you why you shouldn't eat me."
I'm sure an angel would come down and clamp the lion's mouth shut.



screwed up world.



I feel like giving up everything you know.
If not for the fact that I KNOW that nobody else will take the shit that I'm taking, I wouldn't even bother doing this shitty fucked up thing.



This is by far the most stressed up month of my entire year. And it HAD to be December.

My parents expect me to do a hell lot of things.
The church wants me to do a hell lot of things.
My WORK demands me to do a hell lot of things.

everybody expects so much of me... why on earth do I even bother?

............ so many people are telling me to quit.
Just throw everything away.

Don't even bother about the slightest thing anymore...

I really.. really want to do that.




But I can't!!!!!
I CAN'T!!!!
NO MATTER HOW MUCH I'M UNAPPRECIATED, MISUNDERSTOOD, BLAMED AND DEVALUED, I WILL NOT LET ANOTHER PERSON SUFFER FOR THE RESPONSIBILITIES THAT I WAS SUPPOSED TO CARRY!

BECAUSE I AM NOT A COWARD!

... If I cannot be the eagle, I will still be the wind beneath it's wings..
I'll never be appreciated. But within my short life span, I can lift up the eagle high up...

you won't understand.
nobody will.
cause if they did, they won't tell me to quit.

its a battle that I have always been fighting... alone.









I just wonder... does God even know? Is this a counterbalance for the sins I've committed?


Now I really know why some people who take my position want to commit suicide.

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Nonchalant Thoughts.

I guess nobody really understands me.

No one.

It's wrong to work hard.
It's wrong NOT to work hard.

... really pissed.

I mean, some people actually want my dad to talk to LKY to complaint about army.

wow. I didn't know that my dad was so powerful!

zzz...

"... i didn't know I had such a useless boyfriend."

ok.

yeah. I'm useless.

... yeah... I know... I've been useless all along for so many years.

I'm useless because I do whatever I've been told...
I'm useless because I do not stand up for myself...
I'm useless because I just strive to give the best in everything I do...

I know I'm being exploited..

But given a choice between having an easy, boring life, compared to a life that is blazingly hardworking.. I think i'd choose the latter...

Yes, it's true that I'm stressed.

and it's true that I do have a choice not to do my work.

But what would happen otherwise?

Would another person be assigned to do it? - No.
Would another person be forced against his will to do it? - Yes.
Would people get angry for that? - Yes.
Would people suffer for that? - Yes.
Would people's trust get severed? - Yes.

... I just don't think that all this is worth me pushing away my responsibilities or tasks...

I know that SAF is a screwed up, F***** up organization.

But since I'm not given a choice not to serve, I'd might as well give it the best I have!

If everybody had the mentality that SAF is screwed up and thus be screwed up, of course things will never change...





If I could rank my personality I think that I'm a

1) Stubborn
2) Selfless
3) Christian

I'm stubborn. Stubborn to the point of stupidity. If I truly believe in something, I will be blind to everything else. I will accept no other opinions, and no other answers, unless every single evidence around me crumbles to dust.

I'm selfless. In the retarded way. I would rather suffer then cause many friends and people I love around me to suffer in the slightest way. I would rather die then let the whole world suffer a day because of me.

I believe that "Christian" is a personality. Because of its value that has been drilled into me.
"Do unto others what you would want others to do unto you."
"Love your enemy."
"Love the Lord your God, with all your heart, with all your mind and all your strength."



sigh...



Does anybody truly understand my conflict?
I don't think so.



...I really don't think so...

Saturday, December 20, 2008

Tank - Qing Tian Yu

你说你是雨天
而我是太阳耀眼
说我不适合出现在
你住的灰色世界
想晒干你的泪
却被你简单拒绝
在我手心里的温度
好想要分给你一点
我忽然期待天空能下一场雨
让我在冰冷的夜慢慢了解你
晴天雨天谁说不能想恋
我偏偏只想和你在一起
今天明天我都不想远离
我能够期待晴天下的雨
你说你不怕黑
一个人也无所谓
独自撑伞走过伤悲
不再和爱有关联
我想要带你飞
飞向彩虹的另一边
我们搬进幸福的里面
一直到永远的永远
我忽然期待天空能下一场雨
让我在冰冷的夜慢慢了解你
晴天雨天谁说不能想恋
我偏偏只想和你在一起
今天明天我都不想远离
我能够期待晴天下的雨

晴天雨天谁说只能对立
我偏偏只想和你在一起
美丽美丽好浪漫的晴天雨
我们的天空不再孤寂
晴天雨天谁说不能想恋
我偏偏只想和你在一起
今天明天我都不想远离
让我期待晴天下的雨
让我们的天空不再孤寂



...


you said you're the rain
and I'm the blinding sun...
you said that in this gray, sad world,
it would be impossible for us to be together

I wanted to dry your tears
but you simply rejected me
All I wanted was to give you
the bit of warmth that was in my hand

At that moment, I wished it would rain
And in the icy night, maybe I'd know you more...

Who says that you can't have the sun
on a rainy day?
I really don't care...
All I want to do is to be with you.

Today, tomorrow, up till forever
I won't ever want to leave you
Will you let me wait for the rain to fall?



You said the darkness don't scare you,
that you don't mind loneliness..
Carrying your pain and anguish alone
Hoping love never crosses your path again...

I wish I could fly and carry you
To the other side of the rainbow
Where we can live out the rest of our lives
In happiness and comfort

At that moment, I wished it would rain
And in the icy night, maybe I'd know you more...


Who says that you can't have the sun
on a rainy day?
I really don't care...
All I really want is to be with you.

Today, tomorrow, up till forever
I won't ever want to leave you
Will you let me wait for the rain to fall?

Who says the sun
Who says the rain,
must only exist alone?
I don't care... all I want is to be together with you
It's so beautiful to see rain on a sunny day
Where our skies will never be lonely ever again...

Who says I can't hope for the sun and the rain?
I just want to be together with you...
Today, and forever, I don't ever want to be apart
Please, let me wait for the rain to fall on my sunny day,
So our skies will never be lonely again...


Friday, December 12, 2008

it's so lonely at night.... even the stars don't blink much anymore..

you're so near, yet so far...

have I been a good boyfriend?...

I guess I tried my best...

I did...




Dear God, do you want me to be with Alvin? :


I was staring at a dewy, forsaken web. It looked so broken, nothing could ever, ever make it a home.
I challenged God and asked for something almost impossible to happen. I asked for life in that web.

I asked God for a sign.
Immediately, a little spider suddenly jumped up and startled me till I fell flat on my butt on the ground.


I asked God for a sign again.
Immediately, a larger, lighter brown spider jumped up and bit the little spider. The spider struggled then broke its leg and ran away.

I asked God for one last sign.
I closed my eyes... and when I opened, the web was empty again. There was nothing left.





I challenged Him to give me an answer.

He gave me an answer.

It was no coincidence.

But now my heart feels more pain then ever before...



.. I wished I never asked...

Monday, December 08, 2008

Please... Don't go...

Skies are dark it's time for rain
Final call you board the train
Heading for tomorrow
I wave goodbye to yesterdays
Wipe the tears that hide your face
Blinded by the sorrow
-
How can I be smiling like before
When baby, you don't love me anymore
-
Say it isn't so
Tell me you're not leaving
Say you changed your mind now
That I am only dreaming
That this is not goodbye

This is starting over

If you wanna know
I don't wanna let go

So say it isn't so
-
Ten to five at least we tried
We're still alive but hope just died
As they close the door behind you
Whistle blows and tons of steel
Shake the ground beneath the wheels
As I wish I never found you
-
How can I be smiling when you're gone
Will I be strong enough to carry on
-
Miles and miles to go before I can say,
Before I can lay my love for you to sleep
Oh, darling oh
I got miles and miles to go
Before anyone will ever hear
Me laugh again
-
Say it isn't so
Tell me you're not leaving
Say you changed your mind now
That I am only dreaming
That this is not goodbye

This is starting over

If you wanna know
I don't wanna let go

So say it isn't so